The past logs
From my childhood I never understood what is so poetic about love songs , the term love ; give me a chance I will destroy these with as much contempt for Idiocracy as I feel today I have committed.
I noticed her in the vacation coaching class after 3rd yr of grad school. Ohh she is a rock - a soft rock. And she smiles as slowly I have come to notice her. She was my colleague at grad school yet It's after 3 yrs and half a vacation after I noticed her or rather her uniqueness.
I remember that day. My friends were a laughing lot as always. Sarthak was as usual rocking at his peak with his ability to make others proudly laugh or his craving to make others laugh pleased - I am confused. She was a spectable to me that day. Green kameez and a shade brighter, she was sitting among her overtly beautiful friends in the corner of the class. Don't know the events which led to it but she looked (may be at me ) & I smiled as unrevealing as Taylor Swift in 'I belong with you'.
Events gauged up unconsciously which I am unaware of but certain and I sent 'hi' in fb. ('hi' the customary 'hi' , the lucky 'hi' and the 'hi' of a moth in front of a garden of butterflies). And she replied.
We talked - a lot
On Hyderabad tourist spots, markets, in later yrs academic crap which I invent as fast as I forget I guess.
We talked - a lot
On life, God, love, people and yet I don't remember a line. I am the fool who had opened my brain to my heart and put my ego on my testicles. That way brain didn't really know it is discussing with the cunning heart and testicles didn't release all those goody goody lovely feeling to brain because they were instructed by ego 'love notions are to be ignored even at peak of altitude' .
And we cruised though the final year. We talked on what not other than what couples talk- politics, books, projects, travel . Yes I remember.
The only purposeful part of conversation for any can be our Travel Plans . We had planned to travel to places which were ruled by the high octane Adrenaline rather than the love hormones. God knows we discussed crazy places , romantic places (clouded by my ego though) and simple places. She liked to live at the non-special places in any way hence special if you can picture it. And I loved every bit of her but choked my conscience to ever work it out .
Why shudn't I !? I was afraid to love ! The exclamation is for self ego's ego to not get ruffled.
A letter came that day. Was it my birthday or was it not ! The weed intoxicated days are hard to remember. It was titled somewhat like
' the rift between heart and mind' - I remember it because it is the most complex thing I have read or the most messed I have got. The rift was in her mind on her heart's intentions. The rift was between her attitude and her dreams. The rift was between what she felt as happiness and what she wanted as pleasure. Clearly for me 'love' is pleasure because neither I have ever been in it nor I see it last on those who speak of it. It's clear that the (non-spoken love) is happiness but it's not spoken of so how do I speak it here. I have to ask how to speak non-spoken love to daily-life people who live on this non-spoken love without speaking it.
I was confused. Should I propose! Should I hold her hands and bend the knee like Jon did for Dany in front of her nemesis. Though I am pretty sure she didn't have any nemesis in my class but she could have them if I had bent the knee.
I wrote a letter. And the burla ego ensures that I have forgotten what I wrote. Ask this ego and it would say ' great men don't consider their deeds great, And who remembers normal!'
Basically I and my ego let her know that I loved the love of her but some crap and I am a crap just like her in it too. So we made few trips and few noon-dining (with her favorite sweet dishes which I devoured like a south indian would do).
Hold on, isn't this where my love was to cruise? No, it didn't. It did ever after we separated after grad school i.e after 2-4 months. So inspired by Miss her and my nationalist day-dreaming brain I choose not to burn coal at TATA but burn ears at Delhi coaching class. Little did I know, the grad school - the place called burla - the area where greatness is achieved not by greatness has a protective shield. A cover which intoxicates us to our best by sucking our vulnerabilities. And what's a Sheep without fear - Lion !!!
So the vulnerabilities surfaced very sharply at the national capital. Just like it does for any girl who opens up to be dumped. The realities of Dream-Career-Money played kho-kho with me-The ruler of LazyLols.
And of course I loved her more. I loved her overtly. In fact love and nicotine were my pleasure pills. The Nicotine which drains the energy to act and The Love which insecures the insecurities.
She loved me back. I could feel the feminity in her. What a beautiful moment it was. My beauty was choreographed by her mind. Or heart !! The world felt superficially too much a godly place. Everything Pitch Perfect Every character was in place. Every Moment carried wishes. Oh what a time it was!
The moments leading to this are as fucked up as that moment itself. Ur lady love comes crying and u give her a dosage of Bitter Not medicine but The reason to cry. And the fucked up me fucked me up So We Split.
Days after were as normal as it could be. I realised I was wrong. The free ride at the beautiful garden was over. She dipped herself away in what she did good - study. Meanwhile I learnt the aspects of FUCKED-UP. My learning curve was sharper than her of-course. I climbed a steep hill on the wall of dis-life while she climbed a mountain of knowledge. She is yet to reach half but I have reached the top of Dis-Life - It's flat and plain. And endless.
Meanwhile, Dis-Life patrons here say the hill merges on to the Life somewhere none knows just like the non-spoken Love.
As life moved on, years after my ambitions are as high yet as distant; which I don't understand because if u walk towards a hill it grows in height. Here, I know I am walking away from Life yet it grows up on me!!! The plain of Dis-Life is mysterious and I see no more companions.
I feel a lot of things. Some happiness (in this context memories.) The wall of life stands like a sky now. And I have lost track of Living. Just some things. It comes like a nerve response - makes me think - then subsides.
The walk is upon me. There is no more a need for pleasure. Just a walk. Something feels unexpressed inside me yet it knows it's content and it is it's own form of expression to itself. It is different from what people say n express as love..
It's the unspoken I think.
...
Samar
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